Relaxation vs. Reality
It’s difficult for me to allow time to simply sit and relax because my time tends to follow the laws of physics.
When I’m in motion, I tend to remain in motion. Whether that’s writing, reading, working in Photoshop, exercising, partying, whatever; left to my own devices I’ll just keep going until some outside force or commitment drives me to stop doing so. I can get a lot done in a short amount of time when I’m able to get myself going.
When I’m lost in some activity like that, I am truly relaxing. My brain turns off or switches channels and allows me to float around whatever it is I’m engaged in. The feeling of being completely in the moment and absorbed in what I’m doing is a blessing of the highest order.
The catch of that law is that, of course, when I’m at rest … nothing happens. Nothing. I remain at rest until there is some overwhelming reason to stop it. Watching television? Mark off the evening. I used to be able to count on waking up early and starting the day immediately; but of late, even waking up’s becoming a chore, much less getting out of the bedroom (the only air conditioned place in the house). If I sit down in the summer sun, there’s no budging me unless it’s bedtime or dinnertime. Even reading is a struggle then, because the temptation to just sit and do absolutely nothing at all overwhelms me.
That’s frightening to me. Maybe it’s normal and I just don’t recognize it in other people, but it feels absolutely maddening to me for the split-second before I can embrace the feeling of lassitude and sink into it. Making that active and mindful is the real key – choosing and deciding that enough has been done, or that I need the low-key, low-level time in order to recuperate from whatever I’ve driven myself into the ground for.
A good friend called me a type A personality last night. I never would have thought of that, but maybe it’s true. Who knows? What I do know is that it’s a quarter to ten and I have to get moving.