IvanEwert.com

So bear with me.

It’s hot out today, over ninety-five degrees; but the lawn desperately needs mowing, I have no clean laundry, the garden has once again become the red line for feral and diarrhetic cats, and I’ve got a wedding to attend in the early afternoon.

I get the lawn mowed while laundry is in the works. Each pass with the tractor in the heat saps more of my already none-too good sense, especially as I am more interested in being done quickly than things like a hat, sunscreen, or hydration. Once this is done I go to the garage to gas up the mower.

The muddy clothes I wore to paintball last time – you know, June 5? About 42 days ago? Yeah, they’re still in a plastic sack in the garage. And have been all through this heat wave. Without ever being touched.

A common mind might wrinkle his nose and toss the bag, but I am mindful of my proud Scottish ancestors! Waste not, want not! A penny saved is a penny earned! Also, these are a pair of my better skivvies here! I can hose them off, scrape them down, then throw them in as a separate load of laundry!

This is where it gets harder to explain, but the following thoughts are important. Bear in mind that I am crazed with sun and heat.

1. I’m hot, sweaty, terribly sticky. I’m going to shower immediately. Off with the t-shirt.
2. Oh look, I’m wearing my good work belt. Silly me. Off with the belt.

So, I’m half-dressed and ready to hose down an entire suit of clothes in the yard.

NOW. The following are not thoughts, but things, which are equally important to know.

1. I’ve been better on my diet lately and have lost several pounds.
2. It’s laundry day. Certain articles of personal clothing may have been sacrificed until I am finished working and showering.

This is the bit where the laugh track gets uncomfortable, and rightly so; for the audience slowly realizes that a shirtless dude going commando in pants made for his previous size may experience certain issues.

What they may NOT realize is that, for maximum comedy potential, said issues will occur while hosing down a pair of mud-caked underwear in the yard.

I have personally done more today to lower property values than any of the local dealers. And in its own small way, that’s something of an achievement, don’t you think?

It’s difficult for me to allow time to simply sit and relax because my time tends to follow the laws of physics.

When I’m in motion, I tend to remain in motion. Whether that’s writing, reading, working in Photoshop, exercising, partying, whatever; left to my own devices I’ll just keep going until some outside force or commitment drives me to stop doing so. I can get a lot done in a short amount of time when I’m able to get myself going.

When I’m lost in some activity like that, I am truly relaxing. My brain turns off or switches channels and allows me to float around whatever it is I’m engaged in. The feeling of being completely in the moment and absorbed in what I’m doing is a blessing of the highest order.

The catch of that law is that, of course, when I’m at rest … nothing happens. Nothing. I remain at rest until there is some overwhelming reason to stop it. Watching television? Mark off the evening. I used to be able to count on waking up early and starting the day immediately; but of late, even waking up’s becoming a chore, much less getting out of the bedroom (the only air conditioned place in the house). If I sit down in the summer sun, there’s no budging me unless it’s bedtime or dinnertime. Even reading is a struggle then, because the temptation to just sit and do absolutely nothing at all overwhelms me.

That’s frightening to me. Maybe it’s normal and I just don’t recognize it in other people, but it feels absolutely maddening to me for the split-second before I can embrace the feeling of lassitude and sink into it. Making that active and mindful is the real key – choosing and deciding that enough has been done, or that I need the low-key, low-level time in order to recuperate from whatever I’ve driven myself into the ground for.

A good friend called me a type A personality last night. I never would have thought of that, but maybe it’s true. Who knows? What I do know is that it’s a quarter to ten and I have to get moving.

Like most of us, I imagine, the internet has become one of my top three time-sucks. Between Facebook, Twitter, Livejournal, Bldgblog, and more webcomics than I can count, it’s remarkably easy for me to spend upwards of two hours a day marking my etheric territory – and that’s just on the things I consider to be a basic part of the day, not counting the wikipedic rabbit holes that carry me further and further away from real productivity.

Having made the lists of things I need to do, both for others and for myself, it’s more than clear that I’ll need those two hours a day back for a short period of time. It’s a sprint, more than anything; the web-centric version of a short-term cleansing program.

Unfortunately, two of the things I’ve already determined that I need to do for myself are: 

1. Write 250+ words a day, and
2. Spend more time writing on this blog.

Naturally, removing myself from the social sphere at the same time I’m trying to step up the amount of time I spend contributing to said sphere initially seemed pointless at best, callous at worst. If I’m speaking or writing, and people are being good enough to pay attention, think things over, and respond to me, what does it say when I withdraw from the two-way communication that is the theoretical reason for writing in the first place?

Oh, a good deal of this is selfish, or at least self-full. I’m not necessarily writing anything new or groundbreaking, and the main reason I’m doing it is to get more accustomed to what the folks over at Writing Excuses call “making the clackitty sound …” that is, getting my finely toned buttocks in the chair and getting used to putting words in order across the bright and merciless monitor. I’d be doing it right now even if I weren’t posting the pages to the blog, but it’s not as if I don’t keep a private journal as well.

That one, using pen and paper, averages two full pages a day – probably around my 250 mark already. Increasing that by leveraging the blog is a way to try to ensure that I’m both overachieving on my goals without much mental strain, and to make sure that at least some of what I write is about more than my plans for dinner and having the dream about the pickles again.

To that end … by writing in public, I’m working to be sure I have something that someone, somewhere, might actually find useful or entertaining to some degree. Naturally, I can’t know if that’s true or not without talking to and connecting with people – otherwise, it’s chattering into the dark, like the lemures of the Styx.

All of which is a fairly wordy way to say that I appreciate the comments people leave for me, and that if I’m not responding for the next week or so, you can be assured it’s only because I’m working to find more things to talk with you about on my return.

I’m having a morning in which I’m an absolute mess – a ball of anxiety and worry. I used to operate like this 24/7, and I’ll tell you, I don’t miss it for a second.

The bright side is that I know myself and my triggers well enough now to be able to identify what’s causing most of the concern.

1. Too much management, not enough motion. I’ve had to spend a lot more time shepherding projects along at the day job without actually doing anything manually to move the processes to completion. The same is somewhat true of the freelance work, where I can encourage people to give me content but can’t actually write or create it on their behalf. That frustrates me, because I really prefer getting into a project, finishing it quickly, and then moving on.
2. Too many ideas, not enough time. I’m exploding with ideas for stories, flash fiction, graphics and paintings. Too many of them to get any one of them actually done in a reasonable amount of time, especially given the time constraints listed above.
3. Lack of exercise and motion. I’ve been away from the gym for weeks now. It doesn’t actually help that people keep telling me I look like I’ve lost weight – what I think I’ve lost is muscle, but when people keep saying you look too thin it’s harder to make the workout a priority.
4.  Poor dietary choices. “Make good choices,” L and I say to each other, but I haven’t been. There are barbecues, parties, celebrations and reasons to dine out on every side of me, every day. I’m not complaining about this – the chance to see so many people and have such a good time is among the better parts of my life – but my lack of self-discipline in choosing what to eat and drink is really dragging me down energetically.
5. Relaxation vs. reality. This one will get a whole post of its own soon, but it comes down to choosing how to spend the free time I do have. I’m often questioned on why it’s so hard for me to just sit down and relax – the fact is that I recognize that when I spend too much time doing so, this anxiety is the equivalent of my hangover from excessive fun-time. I’d rather avoid that anxiety than spend the time ‘relaxing’ in the ways that most people recognize as relaxation.

So how do I fix this, and get back to my usual stance of breezy self-assurance?

Numbers one and two can be managed by lists – putting things that I want to do, need to do, and deadlines for both down on paper. This lets me actually track what’s happening in the real world, rather than looming over me as some amorphous mass.

Numbers three and four are down to me and down to re-establishing new routines that work. I can keep attending parties and cookouts as long as I pay more attention to breakfast and lunch choices, and knowing that the lack of exercise is making me crazy is a powerful motivator to get back to the gym.

As to number 5 – like I say, that’s a post for another day without any question. In the meantime, it’ll behoove me to find ways to distract myself from overwork or overplay. Balance may be the key, but it’s not something I’ve ever found that simple.

Announcing the Murder & Mayhem Tour for Seattle and San Francisco! While I won’t be a part of this tour, my dear friend (and gracious editor) Jennifer Brozek and the astoundingly talented Seanan McGuire will be appearing in your area soon!

Jennifer Brozek (Murder) and Seanan McGuire (Mayhem) are bringing frights and entertainment to the west coast for two days only. This free mini-tour features Jennifer’s newly released horror collection, IN A GILDED LIGHT: 105 TALES OF THE MACABRE, and Seanan’s Edge of Propinquity series, SPARROW HILL ROAD. Together, Murder and Mayhem will read excerpts from their fiction, tell tales out of school and generally have a good time.

SEATTLE
July 10, 2010, 6:30pm
Third Place Books
17171 Bothell Way NE
Lake Forest Park, WA
98155

SAN FRANCISCO
July 17, 2010, 3:00pm
Borderlands Books
866 Valencia St.
San Francisco CA
94110

Come out and enjoy the fun. Have your books signed and asked that question you’ve always wanted to ask. I hear there will be cupcakes, too.

Things I have done for the first time ever today:

1. Made homemade salsa.
2. Cut up a whole chicken.
3. Made a BBQ rub.
4. Made a BBQ mop sauce.

I love cooking. I love everything about it but the time it takes, and even with that time, I was able to read an entire Sunday Tribune outside while nursing a couple of beers. My viking ancestors warn people not to praise the day ere it is done, but I have to tell you, my weekend’s looking like one of the very best in years.

I was in a car accident this morning. I’m fine, the young lady in the other car was fine. My car’s currently in the shop awaiting an adjuster tomorrow, I expect it will be declared a total loss based on the damage sustained and age of the car.

Everyone involved has been great, from the officer on the scene in Buffalo Grove to the Farmer’s Insurance folks to the gent at Bestways who towed me 25 miles back home. L has been stellar and supportive as well, which is always nice.

My back and neck hurt from tension and shock, of course; but that’s to be expected. On getting home I was able to grab a burger and hop on a conference call for work before trying to mow the lawn in an attempt to A) get some exercise and B) do something useful. Unfortunately, a winter in the garage has rendered the mower less than compliant.

I suspect my Native American name for the day is “Death to Motors.”

At any rate, there’s an art show to visit tonight and it’s meant to be a nice day tomorrow. I’ve taken it as a vacation day in order to destress and (honestly) because my laptop’s still in the office. Thinking of killing some time with the gaming system now, though I’m a little concerned I might destroy that as well. Superstition for the win!

Sweet fancy everything.

Not only did I complete all my tasks, I did it in a lot less time than I expected.

I saw Benedict’s Friday night for dinner, and set up the meeting for 2 PM today. I was worried about that, in retrospect, it’s perfect. I can get even more taken care of in that direction by meeting today instead of later in the week.

The MCCC site was a good three hours’ work on Saturday morning, but man, it was worthwhile. Lots of WordPress noodling that will help with a number of other sites and opens a lot of possibilities.

The Raue Center took two hours Sunday morning, with a bit still left to do – but the tools I need to complete that are back at the office, so they’ll have to wait until Monday end of day. The part I thought would be trickiest was actually the easiest with a simple Google search. Funny how often that happens.

Glorious Hands was done already, just needed polishing and submittal. That was settled in a half hour this morning, while Solstice took an hour in the afternoon to complete and refine. I’ll still need to edit it, of course, but it’s far ahead of where I would be otherwise.

The Triskele Moon poster was the most difficult. I wrestled for two hours yesterday but nothing was working right. This morning after the Raue work it took just an hour and a half to go from concept to completion, with L giving her thumbs up around lunchtime today.

So … wow. What a great weekend.

Now for the hard part, following through and reaping my reward to myself.

So okay. I’m desperately unmotivated right now, partly because I know how much crap I have sitting around that really needs to get done. The long-term planning thing is not so much my bag.

I’m going to appeal to my basest, most childike nature.

By Sunday night, if I have:

1. Completed the MCCC work for pro-choice site work (edit: done!),
2. Completed the Raue Center work for theatre site work (edit: holy crap, essentially done!),
3. Set up my meeting with Benedict’s for restaurant site work (edit: done!),
4. Done final edits and submitted the short story, Glorious Hands (edit: done!),
5. Completed the drafts for May’s Solstice story (edit: done!), and
6. Finished the poster designs for Triskele Moon Studio’s mother’s day show (edit: done!),…

Then I get this and I don’t let myself talk myself out of it the way I always do when I try to buy myself something fun that is not food or alcohol-based.

Which basically means if you see me fucking around on Facebook, for the love of god, slap me.

“They scream,” she had insisted, “as surely as any hawk soaring upon the thermals. “Whatever their names, whatever their pasts, Mother; they scream and cry and wail in the night, and they keep me from my sleep with the sharp sound of their terrors.” She spoke calmly, though of fright, and while the dark circles spread beneath her eyes they remained as bright and sharp as those of her Mother’s guardians.

Mother considered a moment, eyeing Aramina from behind her yellowing veil before she spoke. “Such girls are coal-strong,” she whispered, “and must burn or turn to diamond. Tell me, Ara, which would you be? Would you give light in your death … or in your power?”